It is nervousness or anxiety , I don’t know….
but it is something which is hitting my heart and mind,
I think my heart is not willing to accept myself as a failure and somehow my mind has came to a conclusion of compensatory happiness.
Being amongst the losers with some reasons, explanations , and of course few excuses has been the story so far,
Loosing without a trial with lot of distractions and few strong barriers are something with which I am dealing from years,
LOSER, is a big tag.
And I think I am accepting it somewhere in my heart with sadness, its not that I never had the ingredients to conquer, but it has been somehow my negligence with some hard lucks, obligations and poor decisions.
Yes it has affected me, my dreams, my aspirations, my happiness and my searching satisfaction.
I am good at this and that but not enough stabilized to put it for some productive outcome ,
Outcome in context of success, And successful satisfaction.
I hate the confusion, hate that a lot as it ruined me, still I feel a compensatory choice I preferred for sustainment.
As sustainment is an important thing I dared to avoid it once and paid the price for that dare,
so may be I am not good at dreaming or my dreams are just dreams I should not try to feel and live it, I figured out.
Yes it is saddens you at your heart , and you start questioning your own life,
like may be god has made me for this and not that and I am trying to hard to go beyond god’s decision.
Anyways I Still feel sad when people come and say you have been so good ,
you could have done this and that with ease, you should have been there we always felt that you are something different and thought you to be at some high to look,
we still have high expectations,
you can still start and deliver with ease, you have the spark , you just have to focus and focus at like everything, we still have high expectations from you.
And listening all that makes me feel so bad for being so unjustified to their expectations,
it feels good to have high expectations but it breaks you into pieces when they themselves say you spoiled it man with your own, and failed and you are a loser!
And then our mind and heart have some serious sadness with which we may not cope up.
As it takes us to negativeness, when you start comparing yourself with your expectations and with your contemporaries. And you find yourself now where.
You actually fail when you question your self or start thinking more than you should.
But having being said that,
I think life gives you chances to bounce back and roll it like a boss,
I am still seeking and trying to find out that one chance to make it appropriate with my life and the people around it.
I hope god has left one more good thing to share and hopefully I would accept it without any blunders this time.
Pray for me.